A Glimpse into My Story -- Zane, The Pneumatologist Part 1

When I was almost a teenager my parents (of strong Pentecostal persuasion at that time) asked me, "Zane do you want to be saved?"  I remember it somewhat vividly.  I thought about it and said, "yes", with the thought of "I do not want to go to hell in gloom, fire, systematic and repetitive torment, the pain of rotting flesh, maggots, demons all around. Having given my consent, I was led into the "Sinners Prayer" which specifically, was a confession that I was a sinner, asking Jesus to forgive me of ALL my sins, followed by a personal request of asking Jesus to come into my heart.

I remember at age 12, I said this prayer with not much knowledge of its implications but believing that God was somehow more accessible, as well as, of course that I was saved from this dreadful place called "Hell".  I remember praying through my teenage life with many questions coupled with the uncertainty of the Presence of God in my life's circumstances, in fear of the repercussions of sin, and hoping that the same God that I was told about through the stories I read in the Children's Bible stories' booklets, in my pre-teenage life, would show up.

It was in my teenage years that I began being "taught" the Bible to the very best of my parents' knowledge, particularly from my late father, but unfortunately the increasing "knowledge" of God only led to more quandaries and frustrations.  I was one of those youths that took what I learnt to heart.  My childhood though was a spiritually hostile one through which I had many experiences that were predominantly spiritually unpleasant, mixed with what seemed to be sporadic experiences with the Spirit of God in various manifestations, and even Jesus Himself.  In hindsight, I realized that it was from the commencement of my indoctrination into the Pentecostal approach to God that I experienced lesser of the pleasant supernatural experiences, and for years, found myself frustrated and laboring with ALL that that I possibly could, to experience God like Moses and Elijah (my childhood spiritual idols), while my parents actively led the simultaneous fending off of a lot of demonic activities as our guardians (which they took on with dedicated seriousness).  I thank God for their presence in my life, as well as for their sincere spiritual guardianship, as far as their spiritual knowledge permitted.

It was at age 17 that I remember actively taking up my "walk in Christ" and going FULL THROTTLE in my pursuit (from my full Pentecostal perspective) to get closer to God, and to be holy. This I pursued to be able to earn this massive privilege of communing with God.  Needless to say that 15 years passed, through which I came to the point of being thoroughly exhausted.  Within that time, I witnessed the sudden demise of my father, as he suffered a sudden stroke one evening (at which I grabbed my small flask of olive oil that I used as anointing oil, flustered, scared, and in panic, and desperately prayed for his restoration and healing. I rebuked the devil, and exhausted the list of every possible spiritual reason that I could think about that could have been contributing to his predicament [according to my Pentecostal knowledge]).  I systematically went through the mentally recorded list that I had studied, and had been taught that could have been contributing factors, from his sins that may have opened doorways to the devil, all the way through to works of witchcraft that may have been done (against him/ our family).  After all this, he was painfully declared clinically dead the following day.

It was to say the least, disappointing, and internally, devastatingly grievous. But, true to what I was taught, I sought some glimmer of solace and closure by searching the Scriptures to find justification for why "God decided to remove him from the Earth".  And, I continuously used these Scriptural excerpts for closure, as the reason why God in "HIS SOVEREIGNTY", took him.  My mother on the other hand, was devastated to say the least. She continuously questioned God, mainly silently, until she could no longer bear her grievous pain in regular outbursts of crying. Religiously influenced family and friends around her "comforted her" with, "it was God's will".  For fear of angering God (again by Pentecostal indoctrination), she never expressed it freely, and stifled her emotional distress as best as she could.

The following year, my father's mother, my grandmother, passed. Here came the second pain of loss. We witnessed a very baffling occurrence though.  On her death bed, despite being a "christian" for more than thirty years, praying militantly 3 times a day with her book of Psalms, she was tormented by the sight and experience of fire, -that we were unable to see physically-, as if, according to what were taught, she was never 'saved'.  In a desperate attempt to help her, we led her into prayer asking Jesus to come into her heart, AGAIN, while she was almost not speaking coherently, which automatically effected a change of events i.e she was restored rapidly to her mental coherence with an evident state of peace.  Shortly after, she passed peacefully.

The devastating blow for me though was not the bewilderment of their deaths and the respective happenings, but rather the passing of my aunt (my father's brother's wife) from cancer, after a fairly long and demising battle.  During that battle, I witnessed pastors, ministers, church members, her husband, her children, and even friends and other family members, including myself, pray for her with no apparent result.  Just before the point of passing, again, there were occurrences that gave rise to questions.  Occurrences that I will not mention for the sake of maintaining familial privacy. 

Fast forward to the latter half of 2014. I was pretty much reaching my breaking point.  I was exhausted. Exhausted, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I was exhausted with trying to be holy and righteous before God.  I was exhausted with the tedious labor of trying to remain pleasing to God to be blessed.  It felt like continuously swimming upstream. I struggled with personal issues and felt like I was doomed.  I felt as though I was fighting against my nature:  EVIL,  SIN, (as far as I had been taught).  In fact, I cried many nights asking God to take this sin from me and to give me the new heart that David prayed for.  The only thing that I could hold on to was God's well known words to Paul that I was taught in church, "my grace is sufficient for thee".  In 2014, I was at my wits end, and was about to give up on this “God business” and live my life making money and working to make myself 'comfortable', which at that time I understood to be "worldly".


CHRIST!


More details of my story coming soon...!

If you can relate to this, or you are one of those who have been in church and questioning it because of its futility, or you are not religious but would like to learn productive Spiritual Mechanics, we are now making the functional mechanics of the Ancient Biblical Psychology of the Name available.

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